Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

Officially Unemployed

Almost a month has passed since graduation happened and here I am, blogging about it. Better late than never, right? I didn't really feel graduation sink in until yesterday - when I submitted my law school application forms. Shit just got real! The thought of studying again scares the shit out of me but I should be able to do it again, right?

I wasn't scared when I entered college. In fact, it was just a mix of emotions. I had no idea how I am supposed to feel.

(c) Tito Ramir

(c) Daniela Gamboa

(c) Michael Lorenzana
It still doesn't feel like I'm finally done with college. Hahaha! I guess it'll all come together when I find a job or start with law school. Now this post deserves a shot! Cheers!
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Weird Comfort

" You're one sad kid " she said. He stares at his laptop wishing to find an answer or maybe a cure to what he's feeling. " I.. I just find comfort in sadness " he replied without blinking nor looking back at her.

She sat still, looking at him wondering if he's alright. Don't be too sad okay?, she gave him this post it instead of telling him. She was scared to break the silence. She leaves the room and now, he's all alone staring at nothing.

He sat still, staring into space as his thoughts race through his mind. He couldn't get a hold of them and they just keep going and going. He couldn't move, afraid to lose his thoughts, almost forgotten memories of his past.

He had a dream, she was in it. In the dream, they were happy. They were what they used to be and it was all wonderful but then he woke up. She wasn't beside him, there was no post it on his lamp saying she went ahead. There was nothing but him.

He reached for a cigarette, aah, why am I going back to this? He didn't know why but smoking made him feel better. He sat still on his bed smoking himself to death.. there they were again, his thoughts. They ran through and lingered in his mind. It was as if they were teasing him.. but what do you do.
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Takot

May kinakatakutan ka ba?
Ako, marami.
Isa sa mga pinakakinakatakutan ko ay yung masaktan. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong gagawin o paano ba paalisin ang sakit na nadarama sa tuwing nasasaktan ako. Malabo ba?

Itong mga nakaraang araw, nahihirapan ako matulog… actually, takot ako matulog. Kahit inaantok na ako, parang ayokong ipikit ang aking mga mata dahil sigurado akong makikita kita.

Makikita kita, hindi kita mapaalis. Maalala ko ang lahat, hindi ko 'yun makalimutan. Masasaktan lang ako at hindi ko alam kung paano 'to paalisin.
Paano nga ba?

Tulad ng lagnat, sipon, ubo atbp., meron bang gamot para sa pusong sugatan?

℅ Mariel Martinez
Noong Y!M pa ang gamit ng mga tao para magusap, isa sa paborito kong gawin ay ang subukang gumuhit. Ginuhit ito ng aking kaibigan, pinahuhulaan nya kung sino 'to. Ikaw, kilala mo ba sya?


Sya ang lagi kong nakikita sa tuwing ipipikit ko ang aking mga mata, boses nya ang lagi kong naririnig kapag tahimik ang paligid. Masasabi ko bang iniiiwasan ko sya? Gusto ko ba syang iwasan?

Ewan ko, bakit ba ang hirap masaktan. Hindi ba't masmasakit at masmapait kapag alam mong masasaktan ka kumpara sa andyan na 'yung sugat, hindi s'ya gaano kasakit.

Ilang oras na ba ang nakalipas, hindi parin ako makatulog sa takot na muli akong masasktan pag nakita kita.
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Ang Ulan

Bow.

Nakaupo ako sa labas, ginulat nya ako. Parang galit ang bawat patak.
Pumikit ako sandali, pinapakiramdaman ang hangin at tubig.
Basang basa ang paligid.

Ayaw nyang tumigil. Lalong nagagalit, hindi raw ako nakikinig.
Sa bawat patak, bawat ihip ng hangin, paano mo nga naman maiiwasan.
Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo pag umuulan?

Hindi mapigilan ang mga emosyon, ang mga alaala at pagsisisi.
Paano mo sasabihin sa kanyang, time out muna, pwede?
Hindi marunong makinig ang ulan.

Buhos ng buhos, galit na galit.
Paano mo ipapaalam sa kanya ang nilalaman ng iyong puso't isipan.
Paano mo mapapakinggan ang iyong sarili.

Saan ka huhugot ng lakas para muling tumayo?
Paano mo kalalabanin ang ulan - abot nya ang bawat sulok ng iyong katawan at isipan.

Sabi nila, maganda ang ulan.
Bakit ganun? Bakit puro kalungkutan ang galit ang dala nya?
Sumasaya ba ang ulan?
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2012, Challenge Accepted

taking a break from reading Albert Bandura. HAHAHA


Two months into 2012, so much has already happened.

This is one of my first photos for this year. It's not just Ronna who I dearly missed over the break - or miss because I barely see most of the people I hung out with last term. Can you believe it, in less than a year, we're graduating.

School hasn't been as bitchy as it should be - to me at least. I know this might make me look bad but aside from thesis.. I don't really feel like I'm actually going to school. The following photos should explain why. Hahaha



These photos were taken on my way to Cebu and in Cebu CIty. I went to Cebu with my parents on a whim but they already had their tickets booked by a friend so I had to book myself another flight which did not lead me straight to Cebu. Manila-Bacolod-Cebu. It was quite an adventure traveling alone. We were there just in time for Sinulog unfortunately, we had to leave on the day of the street party because my dad did not want to risk being absent from work the next day. Plus the traffic was terrible! We stayed in Mactan City which is also another reason why we did not attend the street party. Next year perhaps.


A week after I arrived from Cebu, I went to Baguio to accompany my dad and help him with his lecture. I went crazy buying from the thrift shops there. My eyes and wallet could not believe the deal I got on clothes. hihi. Too bad I wasn't able to take a photo of anything >.<

Moving on, another week from my arrival from Baguio, I was bound to leave for Boracay. OH YEAH. The great escape from all the stress - which was weird because there was no stress. Hahaha. This trip was booked about a month prior to the date. There was a wedding wherein my mom was to be part of and she needed help in carrying all the things so she brought me, the oh so trusty and efficient runner.


What is there not to love with Boracay? The view is great, the other views are great as well! It's definitely an escape from the city's hustle and bustle that we can't seem to get enough of. I will definitely come back here with my girlies soon! :D

And of course, when I got back to Manila, why not start it right by goofing around? HAHAHA
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A New Everyday Look?

I've always had a bunch of make up with me but I never really put them to good use. Since I'm on Christmas break and I have a lot of free time with me now, I take my time to put on some make up before leaving the house.

awkward photo 1

awkward photo 2
Please excuse my awkward photos. Hahaha! Anyway, it's easy and it doesn't really take as much time and it's something that I can wear going to school. So here's what I used (if you're wondering)

Tony Moly's Dear Me BB Cream
Maybelline's Black Gel Liner
Stila's Major Major Lashes
Tony Moly's Berry Lovely Girl Dual Lipliner

I'm thinking of buying a liquid liner to make it easier for me to do my eyes, hahaha.
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Christmas "feeling"

Christmas really brings its own spirit when the season comes. Don't you veer get that "Christmas feeling"? I used to get that feeling until school took away every feeling that I can ever have.

In six months, I will be graduating from university and it's something that I really cannot grasp, I don't know what I want to do - yet. This has pretty much taken up all the space in my head so I haven't been able to feel much.. if that is even possible.

Earlier today, I rode a jeepney along Taft avenue to get to my condo and it was a typical jeepney ride until a half-paralyzed old man rode the jeep. For some reason, I wanted to cry. I guess seeing him trying to survive this world moved me so much because I'm always on the brink of giving up. He rode the jeep in great struggle but he was able to do it with some help from a gentleman. Upon sitting down, he reached down his pocket looking for money to pay the fare. Maybe I should pay for him instead.... this thought was playing around my head; he stretched his arm out to give the money to the driver but the driver politely refused his money. He probably thought that this old man can use his Php 8.00 for something better. What is Php 8.00 less from your earnings if you helped an old man survive life? It was a really moving scene.

I guess it was in this jeepney ride that I was able to get that "Christmas feeling" that I thought I'd lost. It gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling inside when I see people being nice to others.
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This time, last year.

This time last year, what were you doing?

Not because it's December but I really do feel that time goes by so fast. Right now, I'm already taking care of thesis and thinking of what to do when I graduate. I roughly have six months left in university, what's next?

This time last year, I was busy as hell shooting my final project for my video production class. It wasn't only my video I worried about, I worried about other people's videos too because I was in it. It was a fun kind of busy, being able to go around ( Cavite-Alabang-Katipunan-Taft ) to shoot with my friends. That was a fun-filled experience indeed.

Now, it's time to think of the very final project I'll be doing for my course. Our thesis. I wouldn't expound on it in this post but maybe I will make another one just for that.

This is the time of the year where we all rethink and reevaluate all the decisions we have made this year. Personally, I don't think I've done a god job so far.

The first part of my year was great, I met new friends that I now love very much and I was given the chance to become closer to people I didn't really associate myself with much before.

The latter part of this year was totally heart breaking for me. A lot of things happened.. and now I think I need to rethink those decisions, reevaluate my choices and finally choose. It's hard to put this out in the open because it's something I'd prefer to not talk about.. weird isn't it?

On a random note, what would you do if you fell in love with someone without knowing that he/she is not real? Would you keep that fantasy because you're used to it or would you break it, face reality and try to look for something "better"?
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Finding Atlantis - Mad Hatter Day

I am more than proud to share with everyone Mad Hatter Day's first music video, Finding Atlantis!


Mad Hatter Day - Finding Atlantis from Quinatrow Productions on Vimeo.
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Anything beyond 2AM?

If you're a How I Met Your Mother fan, you probably know that nothing good happens after 2AM. It's 2:37am right now and my group and I are taking a break from writing all the stuff we need for thesis. We started working at around 10PM, four and a half hours later, we're done with some parts, we've started with others. We're trying to have a draft by the end of the week - which I think is possible, no pressure. HAHAHAHA

I remember going inside this condo a couple of hours ago, talking as loud as I can because I was hella pissed with someone. You know that feeling when you try so hard befriend a person but the feeling is not mutual? The person does not exert any effort at all to be your friend or even acknowledge your effort. It's such a wast of time and it really, really gets to my nerves. It's one of those times where you just want to pull out a gun and shoot that person. If that person does not exist, no problem. Diba! Hahahaha. Or maybe it just works for me? I dunno.

On a lighter note, I received a very cute phone call while I was working. Though he asked about random things, I can tell that he just wanted to talk - I want to talk to, spend the whole day talking but time is a luxury I can't afford right now. You and I can't afford that simple thing called time, isn't it sad?

It's right there but we both can't have it. Fair enough since we both can't have the same luxury.

My group mates are still playing tetris battle. They sound really funny. Hahaha
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Loneliness and happiness.

It's true, it couldn't get any lonelier when you're not with me BUT I couldn't be any happier when I'm with you. Even if we're just talking on the phone.

I remember a post I made around two years ago, I was all giddy and in-like. Now, it's the same feeling except I know that it's more than just liking you. Funny how I'm so sure that I'll be ending up with you.. maybe it's because you're the only one who has given me that feeling. The ability to make me feel secure about a lot of things.

Everytime my phone rings, I pray that it's you and when it is, I turn into a whole different person.

I guess we're both just waiting for the right time :)
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And anytime you feel the pain,

hey Jude, refrain.


I've been sick for four days now. It's not fun at all. I don't have fever but I get chills, I have cough, colds and I often get headaches. Does anyone know what that means? I'm quite worried for myself.

Back then, I always had someone who I could talk to and he'd take care of me, make sure I got my rest and drank my meds.

Now, I guess I'm totally on my own.

It moments like these that make me realize how much I miss him and it gets me thinking.. do I want you back in my life? Would you give me another chance?


I always ask myself this and never get the answer because I don't have the balls to tell you.
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Gusto ko sanag makita ka, kanina pa ako atat sayo.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit o kung paano pero hanggang ngayon, hindi ko parin mabura bura ang mukha mo sa utak ko. Mas lalo na sa puso ko. Ang labo diba?

Alam ko, ako yung nagsabing ayoko na pero matapos nun.. bigla akong nawindang at napaisip. Tama ba desisyon ko? Kaya ko ba na wala ka sa tabi ko?

Noong minsa'y tumawag ka, nangangamusta. Nagtaka ako, bakit kaya. Hindi na nasundan ang tawag mo at naiwan akong nagtataka kung bakit o kung kamusta ka na.

Naalala mo pa ba noong nagkasundo tayo na magiging magkaibigan parin tayo? Tinanong ko sayo kung bakit hindi yun nangyayari at sabi mo na nasaktan kita, nahihirapan ka.

Sorry. Sorry talaga.

Para akong tanga ngayon. Alam kong isa akong ilusyonadang naghahabol ng pangarap ng marami pero gusto ko lang malaman kung tatanggapin mo pa ako.

Lagi kong sinasabihan mga kaibigan ko na pag nakilala ko yung lalaking magbibigay sa akin ng lahat ng rason sa mundo para itigil at ituwid ang mga dapat, gagawin ko para sa kanya. Baka kailangan kitang makilala muli?

Bakit ba ako nagkakaganito.
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Parang Ayoko Na Yata



I remember using this song when I was in 6th grade to describe my life. It's quite funny listening to it again and seeing how it still is the song of my life.

Some lines in this song really just hit the spot - and it hurts.

Pagkat di ko kayang magalit, pagnakikita na kita tumatamis ang pait.

It's true because every time I see your face or even hear your voice.. it's like everything's gonna be alright. You make me feel so secure and loved but I made that stupid mistake of letting you go because my life right now can't quite accommodate a relationship.

I miss everything, I do but when I look back, I realize how much I've missed out on because I focused too much on you. I'll admit, I'm really bad at time management but when you were around, all I wanted was to be with you and that made me really happy but I had to leave my happy place and face reality.

Sad how it ended like this.

I still worry 'bout you, ya know.
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Frustration

1 - Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ka ganyan lately. Ano bang problema mo? Kitang kita na nasasaktan ka pero ayaw mong sabihin, ano ba! Kung mananakit ka ng iba, magpaalam ka kasi sa susunod na gagawin mo yan papatayin na kita putang ina mo.

Ewan ko kung bakit ngayon lang ako nagagalit ng ganito, di ko pa masabi sayo ng diretso. Napipikon ako, napuno na ako. Konting panahon pa bago kita masigawan. Tingnan natin.

2 - Bakit ka ganyan? Bakit bigla kang magpaparamdam, mawawala tapos wala na akong alam. Sabagay, sino ba naman ako sayo diba? Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga makita ang hinaharap nang hindi ka iniisip. Bakit ba? Bakit ang hirap?

Gusto ko lang naman ay makausap ka ng masinsinan.
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