May kinakatakutan ka ba?
Ako, marami.
Isa sa mga pinakakinakatakutan ko ay yung masaktan. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong gagawin o paano ba paalisin ang sakit na nadarama sa tuwing nasasaktan ako. Malabo ba?
Itong mga nakaraang araw, nahihirapan ako matulog… actually, takot ako matulog. Kahit inaantok na ako, parang ayokong ipikit ang aking mga mata dahil sigurado akong makikita kita.
Makikita kita, hindi kita mapaalis. Maalala ko ang lahat, hindi ko 'yun makalimutan. Masasaktan lang ako at hindi ko alam kung paano 'to paalisin.
Paano nga ba?
Tulad ng lagnat, sipon, ubo atbp., meron bang gamot para sa pusong sugatan?
℅ Mariel Martinez
Noong Y!M pa ang gamit ng mga tao para magusap, isa sa paborito kong gawin ay ang subukang gumuhit. Ginuhit ito ng aking kaibigan, pinahuhulaan nya kung sino 'to. Ikaw, kilala mo ba sya?
Sya ang lagi kong nakikita sa tuwing ipipikit ko ang aking mga mata, boses nya ang lagi kong naririnig kapag tahimik ang paligid. Masasabi ko bang iniiiwasan ko sya? Gusto ko ba syang iwasan?
Ewan ko, bakit ba ang hirap masaktan. Hindi ba't masmasakit at masmapait kapag alam mong masasaktan ka kumpara sa andyan na 'yung sugat, hindi s'ya gaano kasakit.
Ilang oras na ba ang nakalipas, hindi parin ako makatulog sa takot na muli akong masasktan pag nakita kita.
If you're a How I Met Your Mother fan, you probably know that nothing good happens after 2AM. It's 2:37am right now and my group and I are taking a break from writing all the stuff we need for thesis. We started working at around 10PM, four and a half hours later, we're done with some parts, we've started with others. We're trying to have a draft by the end of the week - which I think is possible, no pressure. HAHAHAHA
I remember going inside this condo a couple of hours ago, talking as loud as I can because I was hella pissed with someone. You know that feeling when you try so hard befriend a person but the feeling is not mutual? The person does not exert any effort at all to be your friend or even acknowledge your effort. It's such a wast of time and it really, really gets to my nerves. It's one of those times where you just want to pull out a gun and shoot that person. If that person does not exist, no problem. Diba! Hahahaha. Or maybe it just works for me? I dunno.
On a lighter note, I received a very cute phone call while I was working. Though he asked about random things, I can tell that he just wanted to talk - I want to talk to, spend the whole day talking but time is a luxury I can't afford right now. You and I can't afford that simple thing called time, isn't it sad?
It's right there but we both can't have it. Fair enough since we both can't have the same luxury.
My group mates are still playing tetris battle. They sound really funny. Hahaha
I've been sick for four days now. It's not fun at all. I don't have fever but I get chills, I have cough, colds and I often get headaches. Does anyone know what that means? I'm quite worried for myself.
Back then, I always had someone who I could talk to and he'd take care of me, make sure I got my rest and drank my meds.
Now, I guess I'm totally on my own.
It moments like these that make me realize how much I miss him and it gets me thinking..do I want you back in my life? Would you give me another chance?
I always ask myself this and never get the answer because I don't have the balls to tell you.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit o kung paano pero hanggang ngayon, hindi ko parin mabura bura ang mukha mo sa utak ko. Mas lalo na sa puso ko. Ang labo diba?
Alam ko, ako yung nagsabing ayoko na pero matapos nun.. bigla akong nawindang at napaisip. Tama ba desisyon ko? Kaya ko ba na wala ka sa tabi ko?
Noong minsa'y tumawag ka, nangangamusta. Nagtaka ako, bakit kaya. Hindi na nasundan ang tawag mo at naiwan akong nagtataka kung bakit o kung kamusta ka na.
Naalala mo pa ba noong nagkasundo tayo na magiging magkaibigan parin tayo? Tinanong ko sayo kung bakit hindi yun nangyayari at sabi mo na nasaktan kita, nahihirapan ka.
Sorry. Sorry talaga.
Para akong tanga ngayon. Alam kong isa akong ilusyonadang naghahabol ng pangarap ng marami pero gusto ko lang malaman kung tatanggapin mo pa ako.
Lagi kong sinasabihan mga kaibigan ko na pag nakilala ko yung lalaking magbibigay sa akin ng lahat ng rason sa mundo para itigil at ituwid ang mga dapat, gagawin ko para sa kanya. Baka kailangan kitang makilala muli?
I started the day quite pissed off for no reason then my parents had me fix this computer that no one dare touched because they didn't know what to do with it. It's no surprise that they didn't even try.
After X hours of reformatting and tinkering with the computer, it worked! YAY! ACHIEVEMENT! It's funny how I love tinkering with computers by my course does not require that! Oh well, I might have been a computer in my past life that's why I know how to tinker with them and fix them. Hahaha!
Once the computer was up and running, I left and got myself pampered! It was a well deserved mani-pedi. I now have orange nails that are really cute! I just want to eat them! Hahaha! But somehow, doing these things make me feel really girly! Eww? LOL. Mixed emotions right there.
Anyway, I'm gonna make this really random.
I have a headache and it makes me want to take my head off. -______-
I remember using this song when I was in 6th grade to describe my life. It's quite funny listening to it again and seeing how it still is the song of my life.
Some lines in this song really just hit the spot - and it hurts.
Pagkat di ko kayang magalit, pagnakikita na kita tumatamis ang pait.
It's true because every time I see your face or even hear your voice.. it's like everything's gonna be alright. You make me feel so secure and loved but I made that stupid mistake of letting you go because my life right now can't quite accommodate a relationship.
I miss everything, I do but when I look back, I realize how much I've missed out on because I focused too much on you. I'll admit, I'm really bad at time management but when you were around, all I wanted was to be with you and that made me really happy but I had to leave my happy place and face reality.
1 - Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ka ganyan lately. Ano bang problema mo? Kitang kita na nasasaktan ka pero ayaw mong sabihin, ano ba! Kung mananakit ka ng iba, magpaalam ka kasi sa susunod na gagawin mo yan papatayin na kita putang ina mo.
Ewan ko kung bakit ngayon lang ako nagagalit ng ganito, di ko pa masabi sayo ng diretso. Napipikon ako, napuno na ako. Konting panahon pa bago kita masigawan. Tingnan natin.
2 - Bakit ka ganyan? Bakit bigla kang magpaparamdam, mawawala tapos wala na akong alam. Sabagay, sino ba naman ako sayo diba? Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga makita ang hinaharap nang hindi ka iniisip. Bakit ba? Bakit ang hirap?
It's been a week, I think, since the last time I updated my blog. Well, everything's been so busy lately and I just haven't found the time to sit down and just type. Though I wanted to type things so bad, I couldn't. There were other important things that had to be done.
The countdown for the grand launch of my business - Sobriety, has started. EIGHT DAYS. EIGHT MORE DAYS. I feel the pressure, I feel the stress, I feel the everything that there is to feel. It's really messing with my head right now. All this stress from school, business, family, etc. it's driving me crazy.
Everything just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing. I just want to say STOP. I need time to think everything through, I need time for myself too. Everything is becoming so frustrating, so disappointing. Within the seven days that I was not able to write anything, a lot has happened. I cannot believe how disappointed I am at some people.
If there is one thing that I hate so much, it's messed up priorities. I understand all the extra curricular things going - you can say all you want about how I don't understand because I'm not part of it and shit but I do. I know what its like to be part of something and feel that acceptance you've been wanting for so long, finally you have it and you don't care about anything anymore. This is what you want, you have, you'll do everything to keep it. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS. I did that before and a lot of things suffered without me knowing it. I don't want the same thing happening to you and aside from that, PEOPLE ARE BEING FUCKING AFFECTED BY YOUR MESSED UP PRIORITIES. See, you're alive and by being alive, you need to fucking cooperate.
You mess with me, I kill you.
I'm not trying to make myself look good here because I've been doing a lot of wrong shit and my god, qwertyiolkjhgdsvbnmwertyu. Every time I do something wrong, my world crumbles. It's true, I make it a big deal. Everything is such a big deal for me. I guess I'm trying to brush off the feeling of emptiness, loneliness and pain.
It's just been hell basically and I guarantee myself that it won't get any better. Why bother, right?
It's not easy being in a long distance relationship, neither is it to take college faster than usual and starting a business is not easy either. I guess this hectic lifestyle has pushed way too much.
I love what I'm doing but.. I don't know. I get so caught up with what to do for one thing that I totally forget about the other. It's confusing and I'm trying to fix myself, really, I am.
I'm so lost right now, I don't know what to do next, where to be, how to go about it.
Sundays were never an event or anything special for my family - or so I thought. I guess my parents' new year's resolution is to keep the family close by eating together and spending the weekends together. I have nothing against that, I actually think it's great! Taking time to spend time with each other but then at home, we barely see each other. Not that our house is some kind of a palace or something but we'd opt to stay in our rooms and spend the day with our bed, phone or laptop. I guess they should try harder.
Moving on, we did what we always do on Sundays (whenever we get the time to do so), we went to mass then ate in some restaurant. I was having fun and all, we all laughed at Cafaye while eating and we also made fun of how slow the service was. See, each time a dish was served, we would all eat it but then the service is so slow that when the next dish comes, it's like we had nothing. Hahahaha We're such a monster family.
To end out day out with the family, my mom treated us Starbucks, yum! Everyone placed their orders and I got my non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha, hot. I understood how it was taking longer than usual since there were only two baristas working with the drinks, we had to leave already but the drinks were not yet done so we waited for a couple more minutes. The moment our drinks were placed on the bar, we got our drinks then walked to the car - we were rushing because my dad's patience is surprisingly short.
I was so happy to end the day with my favorite drink from my favorite coffee shop but then when I took a sip, DISAPPOINTMENT. It was nowhere near my non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha, hot! It was freaking MILK WITH ESPRESSO SHOTS where's the peppermint and mocha in that? OH. MY. GOD. This fucking ruined my day, I could not believe it. It could have been a mistake but OH MY GOD, ang tanga ng hayup na barista na yun for her not to notice that the drink was missing its key fucking ingredients! So there, that ruined my night. I'm planning to go back to the Starbucks in Shangri-la, ground floor and complain about the girl. Tell them how unhappy I was and how her mistake ruined my evening.
See, fate was on a roll, it didn't want to stop with ruining my drink, it went on and on. I thought I was about to snap but thank God I was able to at least pretend I was listening. So, you know how your parents sometimes talk about their dreams and ambitions with you? Yeah, I hate that. To me, they're empty promises that I know won't be happening. Ang sarap lang nya pakinggan, masaya maniwala pero masakit umasa. Alam mo yung naniniwala ka na, sinabi mo na sa mga kaibigan mo pero bigalang babawiin kasi hindi pala nila kaya itupad? Oo, naiintindihan ko sila pero sana siniguro muna nila na kaya nilang panindigan mga sinasabi nila bago nila ipangako. Masakit kasi, panira ng tiwala. Kanina, labas-pasok lang sa tenga ko mga pangarap nila para sa buong pamilya. Ayoko nang umasa na mangyayari yun, ayoko nang maniwala na kaya nila kasi dati na akong umasa sa mga pangarap nila. Hanggang ngayon, pangarap parin. So anong gagawin natin sa mga buhay natin? Mangangarap nalang ba tayo? Ako kasi, ayoko e, gusto ko yung nangyayari mga panagarap ko.
I hope the week won't be filled with these emotions alone, I want to be happy sometime this week.
Nitong mga nakaraang araw, napakaraming ginagawa ng mga tao. Ako busy, mga kaibigan ko busy, boyfriend ko busy rin. Halos laaht ng tao busy ngayon.
Minsan sa sobrang pagkaabala ng mga tao, ang pangarap na lamang nag tanging paraan ng kanilang pakawala sa mga rehas ng kaabalahan.
Nitong mga nakaraang araw, puro pangarap ng mga magulang at aking sarili ang naririnig ko. Pangarap kong makapagmaneho, magkaroon ng bagong cellphone, pangarap, pangarap. Sa isang tabi, nangangarap rin ang aking mga magulang na libutin namin ang Pilipinas bilang isang malaking pamilya.
Masarap sa tenga ang lahat ng ito pero alam ko mula sa puso ko na niisa sa mga ito ang mangyayari.
Ang sarap pakinggan pero ang hirap umasa.
Bakit pa kasi ako umaasa ngayong alam ko na hindi naman mangyayari ang ito? Matigas kasi ulo ko. Bakit pa kasi ako umaasa ngayong alam ko na masasaktan lang ako.
I miss those days when all I had to do was look around and there they were, my closest friends. Nowadays, I barely see anyone. Is there anyone or anything available to blame?
As much as I am trying to reconnect with my old friends - even my current ones, there is always something that comes up. Be it school, previous engagements or maybe they're just trying to avoid me?
I'm so lost, I don't know if they are avoiding me. I would understand if old friends would avoid me but current ones.. these hurt a lot. I always have to bear in mind that I am secondary, secondary, secondary. Hurts but it's the truth.
Before anything, I would like to shout to the whole world how proud I am to be THE FAVORITE FRIEND of the author of this column Outsider no more, GUIA GALVEZ. Friend, I am very proud of you! Beyond what words can tell :*
Moving on, I have tons of things to do today yet I am sitting down and writing this - what a rebellious act [note the sarcasm]. Although I have done most of my itinerary, I nowhere near half way done. The day started with me being groggy and forcing myself to be happy but after a few errands, it seemed like my effort to be happy, okay and good was not even close to almost enough.
I was texting a friend asking if I can cry in public - for the very first time in history but she said: NO. I know crying can't resolve my problems nor can it make me feel better but I felt like I just had to release 'em tears. I hit me like lightning when I heard those words in that tone but I understand, it's my fault for being stupid.
For the past years, I have been joking with my friends about stupidity and the like and I think the joke's on me now. I always end up being the stupid one and as much as I want to say I don't know why, I do and it's because I am stupid. I am not capable of holding responsibility for anything. Maybe my brain isn't capable enough to do human things.
It's weird to notice how you're such a confident person but in just a blink of an eye, it's all gone and you find yourself crying in a corner blaming yourself for everything - even poverty.
I'm really lost right now, can someone please show me where to go?
Today was a quite a fun day, I watched Love Story (1970) and went to my uncle's birthday party in Romulo's but why do I feel so alone?
I somehow noticed how I've been so isolated but is it my fault? I try to stay in touch and reconnect but I guess time and distance do a lot of magic behind our backs. I always hear about nights out, dinners, bonding sessions, etc. involving high school friends. I take a look at myself and realize how I am left with none of them. Back in high school I used to have a lot people who got my back for me, no matter what but taking a good look at me now... no matter what, they're not there anymore. I remember how my friends and I would randomly watch movies but now, I barely send them messages.
I blame myself for being so isolated, then; true friends would find ways, MAKE WAYS to stay connected right? I can count with one hand friends of mine who go way back that do make ways.
Someone once told me that a lot of people care for me, I'm just too concentrated on one person. That's the problem, I'm too concentrated on one person, I tend to shun the others away. Is there something I'm looking for? Perhaps a hole in my hear waiting to be filled?
I know some of the reasons why I feel so alone but I don't know the others. For the reasons I do know of, what am I supposed to do? I want to laugh til my eyes tear up, I want to watch movies randomly again, I want to feel alive again.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm turning into something people never thought I could be - a loner.
It's been a week into this third trimester. This first week is the toughest i'll ever have, I guess.
Nothing can beat being alone and knowing in your head that the friends you've made in college are still together. They stay close just like before. It's like a long weekend happened, a few people disappeared but it's okay because they still have each other to stay with.
I can't help but feel shitty for being separated from them. I've got no one to talk to anymore. WHY DO I NEED TO ADJUST AGAIN WHEN I'VE JUST FOUND MY PLACE? Nakakaburat talaga.
This first week of school is the worst ever but I can't take away the fact that I'm quite relieved for still having at least one person I know in the same class as I am. But these people... They're not the people I want to be with; then again, we don't get what we want.
I remember telling myself over the break that everything's gonna be fine, I'll be able to concentrate on my studies a whole lot more, etc, bullshit, fuckit. It's still not okay to me :| I bump into people from time to time but the feeling of security, warmth, acceptance, laughter and all those things are not there anymore. It's not the same people I was with back in my last two trimesters in this school. Those people were the ones who helped me survive college. They were the ones who made that fucked up place feel less fucked up. But these people are not with me anymore but hey, they're still with each other. What joy. I know, I'm jealous. I don't blame anyone but myself. Who's to blame anyway?
I thought that I will never be alone. If my friends were away, busy or just not there anymore, I always knew that there is someone who's willing to go with me everywhere. Lately though, even this person seems to be missing in action most of the time. I dunno, it's a whole different feeling and position being all alone now out there. It's just so.. ugly.
I never thought that I would end up like this in college. I need to turn this around, FAST.
[line gets cut. Girl bangs her phone on the table. Boy calls again]
Girl: Hello?
Boy: nvoisaurfnaifcujamriunfn
Girl: Ha? Hello? Hello?
Boy: cnioejtrnapor
Girl: My phone's broken. I'm getting pissed what the fuck. I hate this phone, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
Boy: Let's not talk now.
Girl: Why?
Boy: You're getting pissed...
Girl: And I'm making you stressed... Fine.
Boy: Bye..
[line gets cut before Girl can even say "bye"]
I wrote an entry before about being far away from your significant other. Well, here's another one. My significant other used to be in the same time zone as me, I had no problem with that. Now, he's in New York...it's I don't know how many hours but I can calculate it in my head. Sorry, I'm bad at Math. Anyway, we had an unstated quarrel a while ago which left both of us bitter. I wanted to cry so bad. Run into his arms, hug him tight and say, "I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to stay close." but I couldn't. I was in school, he was in New York; about to sleep. After about and hour, his cousin texted me that he was rushed to the hospital. He was having on of those attacks he'd get from his heart. I was worried sick. It was my fault... as usual. I didn't know what to do.. I was so pissed for not being able to be there for him or at least watch over him. I was so pissed at myself. Why am I not beside him now? It's always needs over wants, right? I think that this time, my needs and wants are on the same level. I want to be there for him so bad but at the same time I need to stay here to finish studies.
Like what I said before, my words can only do so much and lately, it's not doing anything good. At all. I have been stressing him out.. I shouldn't be. Would it be too selfish for me to keep him close? Is it stupid to let him go because I don't want him to hurt anymore... I want him to live a nice happy life now and if I am the source of his stress... that is not good. At all.
I come from a family of 7. 5 children, my parents. I have friends who come from a family of 3. You can then tell that those friends are alone.
I have nothing against them, only child... children :|. But then there are traits of these people that I can't seem to stand. For instance, the value of sharing was enevr present in their lives until they entered school but how much impact does school have on them? School is merely a place where their busy parents can drop them off, leave them there then pick 'em up when it's time to go home. Again, they lack the value of sharing, responsibility and sometimes sensitivity to others around them.
I have no idea why, where, when, how they are like that but I want to correct those... badly. I don't want these people to be hated because they are selfish and what not. But what can a friend do when the other end is narrow minded and has opted to no longer accept any other information than their own or from their parents.
Why did I post this? I don't know. Sorry though :)
Freelancer. Food lover. Traveller.
I conceptualze, shoot and edit videos. I love to eat, try cooking and baking recipes, critiquing food and taking photos of them. Starting to get addicted to traveling.
Witness it all happen here.
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