I recently wrote about satisfaction. I realized, I am NEVER satisfied.

There are so many things I want to do, I should be doing, whatever. There are so many things to whatever. It's hard when no one's there for you. Even my family is far far back, I can't even feel them anymore. Have I been distancing myself away from everyone else? Where has the Kaye Lavin I knew, gone? I don't know how this can be possible but the feeling is really strong. So strong that even I don't know how I can deal with it. Deal with the loneliness. It's scary.

People tell you that they'll always be there for you, catch you when you fall, offer a shoulder when you're crying and so on but now, where have these people gone? These people whom my comfort, happiness and random emotions come from, where are they? They're all so far away from me and there's nothing I can do but deal with the current situation.

It's time to grow up, Kaye. Yeah, I guess so too. I guess I have to completely step out of my comfort zone and grow up. Experience the harsh realities I have been protecting myself from, get hurt even when I am not supposed to. Get over my fear of pain. Do what I have to do

but...

There's only so much that I can do. I feel like I can't stand on my own just yet.There's so much pressure around me and I am going crazy trying to deal with it. I hate shallow frustrations but when I actually think about it.. these rants and frustrations root from deeper reasons that I blind myself from. What kind of painful self defense am I doing?

Oh hormones and puberty, stop playing with my emotions.